daily frustrations

I get so fed up some days. I think they’ll be good ones, and then they’re not. I’m on edge all the time. I’m not convinced the new meds are having any effect at all. Maybe a touch calmer, but that’s all. I have such trouble distinguishing between willful behavior and symptoms of the illness that are out of his control. This morning was fine until time to go to the bus, then every wall he had went up. I’m tired of a good morning being when I actually manage to pry him out of the car through sheer will on my part. I worry that I’m making too much of this, and maybe he’s not sick but just a brat. I worry I’m not making enough of this and that he needs a stronger med to be able to function. I worry hell be living in my basement for the rest of his life. I worry most of all that I’m doing this all wrong. I feel people close to me distance themselves, like this sort of thing might be contagious. That drives me crazy, I only want them to take minute and try to understand. I will continue to fight for him, because there simply is no other option. I will not give up on him even if he’s given up on himself. I will fight for him until he’s where he needs to be. I wish I could make him see that.  I try to focus on the things he does right, like the fact that we’ve brought his grades way up this year by hiring a tutor. It’s given him a boost of confidence that I’m hoping will migrate into other areas of his life.