I think the biggest struggle in this is the daily level of frustration that comes with dealing with a kid who just doesn't seem to feel the need to do what hes told. The uber logical side of my mind doesn't get why this is so hard. Just. Do. What. You're. told. There, not so hard. i find out today he skipped math class cause who-knows-why and lied to his teacher about where he was. i have gone to every length imaginable to get this kid the support he needs. I'm carrying him at this point and not teaching him much of anything. The tail is wagging the dog and i have no idea how to make it stop. He wont even put on his shoes unless i do it for him. and if i decide to play the waiting game, I'm late for work. I dont feel like there is any way to get ahead anymore. I hold onto faith, that there is a way out. That just because i cant see the light at the end, doesn't mean it isn't there. When there is no visible sun, it doesn't mean the sun is gone, just out of view for a time. we have faith it will return on schedule. Gods schedule, not ours. I can only hope I figure out what I'm doing before hes too far away to be reached. I dont know what to do anymore. And I'm always the one who knows what to do.

daily frustrations

I get so fed up some days. I think they’ll be good ones, and then they’re not. I’m on edge all the time. I’m not convinced the new meds are having any effect at all. Maybe a touch calmer, but that’s all. I have such trouble distinguishing between willful behavior and symptoms of the illness that are out of his control. This morning was fine until time to go to the bus, then every wall he had went up. I’m tired of a good morning being when I actually manage to pry him out of the car through sheer will on my part. I worry that I’m making too much of this, and maybe he’s not sick but just a brat. I worry I’m not making enough of this and that he needs a stronger med to be able to function. I worry hell be living in my basement for the rest of his life. I worry most of all that I’m doing this all wrong. I feel people close to me distance themselves, like this sort of thing might be contagious. That drives me crazy, I only want them to take minute and try to understand. I will continue to fight for him, because there simply is no other option. I will not give up on him even if he’s given up on himself. I will fight for him until he’s where he needs to be. I wish I could make him see that.  I try to focus on the things he does right, like the fact that we’ve brought his grades way up this year by hiring a tutor. It’s given him a boost of confidence that I’m hoping will migrate into other areas of his life.

As i get my head around this, i find i am very angry about my sons diagnosis. I have spent the last few months in and out of Doctors offices trying to get this to be anything except what it looks like it is. Although my doctor states that labels are less important than finding a treatment plan that works, a rose by any other name....
 I dont want this for him. Hes struggled his entire life just to try and be normal, whatever that is. With diagnosis of ADHD, PTSD and GAD on him already, this just adds to the hurdles he will have to surmount along the way. I try to remind myself that God doesn't give us anything that we cant handle, and that includes him. I dont want this for him. I dont want his life to have to be this hard. but at least for a while, its going to be. I am trying to be hopeful that we will find a treatment plan that stabilizes him to a degree and lets him feel like he should. I dont like playing chemist with my sons brain all the while praying I'm not doing any permanent damage along the way. I hate what this is doing to my family. 

I remind myself hes not choosing to be this way, and i truly believe that. This experience is testing my patience to its limits, both with him, the system and with myself.  I'm trying very hard not to lose faith but there are moments it waivers. Like when he dented my car. Like when he makes That Face, which i know means whatever I'm trying for is going to be a long fight. 
I'm angry that i have no back up, no support no one on my side. Im angry that i have to figure this out on my own and that if i get it wrong my son will pay the price.  I'm angry that i feel like i only have one shot to get this right. I'm angry that i feel like I have to hide this from people or endure comments and criticism from people who frankly have no clue. 
 In the end, i will keep on keeping on and out on a brave face pretend i'm stringer than i am and remind myself it wont be like this forever.  Cause that's whats gonna get us all through this. 
 "It cant rain all the time."