As i get my head around this, i find i am very angry about my sons diagnosis. I have spent the last few months in and out of Doctors offices trying to get this to be anything except what it looks like it is. Although my doctor states that labels are less important than finding a treatment plan that works, a rose by any other name....
 I dont want this for him. Hes struggled his entire life just to try and be normal, whatever that is. With diagnosis of ADHD, PTSD and GAD on him already, this just adds to the hurdles he will have to surmount along the way. I try to remind myself that God doesn't give us anything that we cant handle, and that includes him. I dont want this for him. I dont want his life to have to be this hard. but at least for a while, its going to be. I am trying to be hopeful that we will find a treatment plan that stabilizes him to a degree and lets him feel like he should. I dont like playing chemist with my sons brain all the while praying I'm not doing any permanent damage along the way. I hate what this is doing to my family. 

I remind myself hes not choosing to be this way, and i truly believe that. This experience is testing my patience to its limits, both with him, the system and with myself.  I'm trying very hard not to lose faith but there are moments it waivers. Like when he dented my car. Like when he makes That Face, which i know means whatever I'm trying for is going to be a long fight. 
I'm angry that i have no back up, no support no one on my side. Im angry that i have to figure this out on my own and that if i get it wrong my son will pay the price.  I'm angry that i feel like i only have one shot to get this right. I'm angry that i feel like I have to hide this from people or endure comments and criticism from people who frankly have no clue. 
 In the end, i will keep on keeping on and out on a brave face pretend i'm stringer than i am and remind myself it wont be like this forever.  Cause that's whats gonna get us all through this. 
 "It cant rain all the time."